July 29th, 2022 | JoJo Ejonga
"When you meet someone new, you should know that it is an encounter that should be cherished, and as you see yourself, you should also see the other person in the same light, and you should think of them as you think of yourself -- for in others, you will find yourself, or lose yourself." We ought to try and evaluate ourselves through somebody else's lens, and maybe in the process, we might learn something new. With that said, there is wisdom in cultural proverbs, be they African, Chinese etc.
And so, allow me to share some Chinese wisdom that we can hopefully learn from. "Empty your Cup", which could mean we must be open-minded.
These are very important principles and necessary tools to maintain a relationship because during every moment in a relationship, we can either teach or learn how to love or fear.
Applying these principles and being spontaneous are the mental techniques by which our thoughts are transformed from fear to love.
In a special love relationship, "fear" is the chief weapon for keeping us from loving and engaging in an authentic relationship. As a result, we become obsessed in our desire to find that perfect person, that person who can be shown around like a trophy, or that person we think can fix us. In reality, this desire of ours is the greatest and the most powerful delusion rooted in our pride and fear, and thus affects our ability to formulate an authentic relationship.
Ego, pride, and fear takes us on that journey of the mind, on that trip like a "possessed" person searching for that special relationship, that special love, or that Mr. and Ms. perfect, which we might never meet, find, or come across. It prevents us from realizing the love we have all around us while limiting our ability to see and think otherwise. We become so focused on that myth and telling ourselves that there is a Mr. or Ms. perfect who just hasn't arrived. We become totally blocked from the actual reality of love and relationships.
We become vulnerable, and our ability to form pure relationships is decapitated. It also forces us to focus more on glorifying romantic love, or sexual satisfaction, or seduction, thus jeopardizing our relationships by overvaluing the romantic or sexual content of what we want, rather than what is real, which is "that real" relationship.
We've become conditioned and accustomed to thinking of romance as a form of sexual seduction, or as a means to an end, and that end is sexual intercourse. Sexual satisfaction, intercourse, or seduction can be a romantic experience, and romance itself can be a means to sexual seduction or satisfaction, but in reality, they are not necessarily the same. Although they can intertwine, and all are means of expression that can incorporate each other, or should I say, they are interchangeable, but not exclusively the same. And neither romance, sexual satisfaction (intercourse), nor sexual seduction validates real love.
We've become more obsessed with finding that gorgeous one, that sexy person, rather than making that particular decision to accept love. In actuality, "No One" is objectively attractive or unattractive, and that feeling comes from the fear in us.
When we wait to see whether someone is good enough for us, it is equivalent to us making other people feel as if they are auditioning, and that turns into a childish game. In environments like these, the ones we've rejected due to our fear become nervous and incapable of being their best.
The intent here isn't to undermine people’s ability to engage in a romantic, platonic, or sexual relationship with people they feel attracted to. Nor does it mean that people ought to undermine their sexual or gender preferences or needs. No-- the intent here is to encourage us not to make decisions based on ego, pride, or fear. For ego, pride, and fear are sufficiently relentless, and capable of suspiciousness at best, or viciousness at worst -- whereby presenting the most subtle and insidious arguments for rejection and casting people out of our lives and hearts. They prevent us from seeing that the source of our nervousness and hesitation isn't from the love lost, but rather from the new love found.
While relationships should be more about care, communication, and playing our own role in the relationship on as high a level as we are capable, it should never be so focused on the particulars about another person. And the more we focus solely on our relationship itself, rather than glorifying romantic love, the easier it becomes to overrun ego, pride, and fear.
Romance is like a rose bush, in any given season, a blossom might fall off. But, if the plant is well nourished, then the season will come around again and new blossoms will appear. Furthermore, it is true that "the disappearance of romantic, or sexual fervor doesn't necessarily spell the end of a wonderful relationship", except to the pride and fear.
Nothing else is as real as love in a relationship, and without it, nothing else actually exists. When a person behaves unlovingly, it means, regardless of the negativity or anger, that this person’s actions derive from fear. As love is to humans what water is to plants, then communication becomes the rays of the sun that help that love grow; the photosynthesis if you will. Love is the bedrock of any relationship, and without it, no relationship is capable of surviving, let alone growing. It is also very important to understand that "Relationships demand honest communication, no matter how painful, or frightening it is or might be. For this is the key to a successful relationship."
Now, stop being egocentric, communicate and be spontaneous.
“If the right means are used by the wrong men, then the right means works in the wrong way.” -Chinese Proverb
JoJo Deogracias Ejonga. Aka. Jonathan Deogracias Ejonga-Lihau. Twitter@JoJoEjongaLihau